I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
