This dress was meant to end up on your floor
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
