Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
