Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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