I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
