btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
