you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
