If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
