as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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