Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
