I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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