My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
