I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
