I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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