I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
