How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
this is an emotional support booty call
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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