What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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