I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
