I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have fence marks all over my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Someone signed my nipple.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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