You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
