Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
