I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex