Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!