I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
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She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.