i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
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Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.