just tell him i said nine months
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter