i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
