TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
