Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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