Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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