no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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