I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
