yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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