it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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