guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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