your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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