gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
