I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
