I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
