He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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