Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
