I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
