I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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