It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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