Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
