she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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