If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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