hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
