I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
