Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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