well I can't set my house on fire every night
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
