Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
