Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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