I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
