Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
