Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The feeling are messing with the penis
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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