I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
