I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
