ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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