dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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