Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
