That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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